Monday was my father's 68th birthday. I sent him a leather iPad cover, he loved it. The kids sent him a card on Friday, so of course it was late. This fabulous mans birth was celebrated with the family on Sunday the 16th. I wish I could have been there.
My parents anniversary would have been on the 29th of this month as well. I'm not sure how long they would have been married; but I know it would have been at least 44 years because that's how old my brother, Kenny, would have been this year.
Sometimes it's. hard to give yourself permission (and time)to sit back and remember. I have learned that if I don't though, one day, at a most inconvenient time, I will break down. A million memories will come flooding into me at once. I will be completely incapacitated. It might happen in the car when I hear a song, it might be in the middle of Target when I see the perfect gift for someone long gone. If I'm lucky, though, it will be at home, long after the kids have gone to bed when I am saying my prayers. I am rarely that lucky.
I used to try to remember people on the day that they passed, but that was really hard for me. Seems like, in our family, deaths happen around birthdays. Then, last year, I couldn't remember the day my mother died, I felt horrible! So this January is all about remembering for me. I give myself this month to be a little sad, a little - off. ItMs the start of a brand new year & what better way to start than remembering how blessed I am to have had these people in my life.
So, here are a few things I remember...
• My mother was the most beautiful mom ever. It made me sad when I started to notice a decline in her mental awareness & her memory. She shed a tear with her dying breath.
• Kenny wasn't always the nicest guy, but he was always real. If you disrespected him once he rarely gave you a chance to do it again.
• I remember only one day that I spent with my Grandma B. She let me dress her up & put on nail polish& scarves & then we went outside& took pictures of each other. It was a lot of fun. I wsh I still had that picture.
• I loved my Grandpa. He had a way of making everyone feel so special. I loved to garden with him. It makes me cry that his garden is not being used to it's full potential. I wish I could be there.
I used to hold a lot of resentment towards some people for things that happened or didn't happen during the time before & after these deaths. I think this is my year to let go of that. God has a plan. I have to accept it. I take solace in knowing that someday my prayers will be answered and I will be with them again.
I hope that you all give yourself permission and time to remember this year.
Sunday, January 23, 2011