Thursday, January 27, 2011

tell me how to feel

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". -Maya Angelou

Dear Mom,
     I wish you were here.  Things are so hard right now.  I just don't know what to do, or how to feel about all this. 
     When you were here I went to you about everything.  All of my problems laid out on the table like your monthly billing.  Together we sorted through it, filed what was properly dealt with, made a plan on how to deal with the rest of it.  Almost always everything was sorted out and taken care of by dinner time so we could clean the table off and have dinner together as a family.All the studies show that having dinner together as a family is important, but no one could ever know how important those dinners were to me.  None of the worlds problems were solved around that table, but many of mine were.  I may not remember everything that was said, or done, but I will never forget how relieved I felt after one of those days.
     After you died Becky would tell me about how she "felt" you around her, riding in the car with her.  Same with Dad, and Kevin.  I never felt it.  I felt abandoned.  The only dreams I have had about you are ones where you are made at me for letting things happen.  I couldn't control my own life when you were here, how could you expect me to take control of anything after you left?  I have spent the last 5 years searching for signs that you are with me.  Where are you?
       I could use your advice right now.  A sign of where to go & what to do.  I know that I am to turn to God in hard times, but I'm not feeling him either.  The premise that when you turn to God things get better seems odd, because when I turn to God things get a whole lot harder. 
     I wish I could go home, sit down at the table and lay all my problems out & get some help sorting through them.  I wish they were the simple problems of earlier years that could be taken care of and cleaned up before dinner.  There is no home to go through.  There are strangers in your house.  All your things were either thrown out or put in storage.  Everyone is busy with their own lives.  Everyone else knows exactly where they are going and what they are doing when they get there.  I don't even know ... how to finish that sentence.
     Tell me what to do, where to go, how to feel.  I need help.
Your loving daughter,


Anonymous said...

This is gorgeous. I have to believe that your mom is around you, somewhere. Even though you may not feel her (yet), perhaps there will come a day when you notice something small, like a rainbow in the sky, or circumstances aligning for a project you're working on...and then, you'll just know that she's there. I have to believe that our loved ones are never really far, and this is coming from someone who's never "felt" her grandparents around her since they passed. But, they're there....they have to be!

Love this...I took the "poem to a favorite food" prompt from Mama's site...a bit of levity if you'd care to take a look!

Bruna said...

What a touching letter. It brought tears to my eyes while reading. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Visiting you via Mama Kat's!

Kelly said...


Brooke said...

I am so sorry you don't have your mother around in a time of need. Take some quiet time for yourself, and perhaps she'll bring you the answers you need.