Becoming the Me I want to Be

Right now,

At this very moment,

I am changing.

I am not yet the me I want to be.  I have been Content being content in the past.  I have spent way too much time being miserable with my life lately though. 

I am not a deeply religious person.  I have spent time in many different churches & explored many different religions.  I am glad that I have had those experiences & I have found comfort in things that I have learned.  I am still searching though.  It doesn't seem to me that any one religion has all the answers I seek.

I have been watching Joyce Meyer's Everyday Life in the mornings with MJ.  I started watching because she's funny, but I kept tuning in every morning because I was starting to really think about my life while I watched.  I have really been wondering lately if I am doing what I am supposed to be doing with my life.

What am I doing with my life?

I know that I was meant to be a MOM.  I have always thought I was a pretty good Mom too.  My kids are kind hearted, respectful (to other adults), and beautiful, among other things.  I wonder if I was meant to do it by myself sometimes though.  My first marriage failed, and I hate to admit, but I am not doing too well with the second one & I feel like we are hanging on out of sheer stubborn determination.  I have never had a "career", but I've always been pretty good at my jobs. 

What was I meant to do? 

• Stay at Home Mom like my mother & sister?  Nope, I tried, I'm not very good at it.
• College Mom?  Go back to school?  Are you kidding me?  Who can afford that?  Not me that's for sure.  What would I go for?
• Career Mom?  Nope, need a degree to get a career.
• Own my own business?  I'd love to, but again - need money!

So, now what?  Where do I go from here? 

I'm pretty sure that God loves us and wants us to be happy.  I just don't know how to do that.  When you've been depressed for so long how do you crawl up out of that hole without burying yourself in the dirt you're clawing at to get out?  Is someone at the top of that hole with a rope or a ladder?

Well, I am babbling and not really getting anywhere with this...

What I really started out wanting to say is that - I am not who I want to be.  I have to change myself before I can change my circumstances.  I am struggling with how to do that.  Where do I go from here?  What will make me happy?

Today I begin my quest to find out.