Depression

Do you remember that commercial that says "depression hurts"??  Man they weren't kidding. 

I have some health issues, and i am depressed.  I am supposed to be taking upwards of 5 pills a day, not including "optional" vitamins.  Things might not be so bad if i could remember to take them every day, but I can't.  There's probably a different pill they could give me to help me remember, but I'd forget to take it too!  I know, I know - "make it a habit" "make it the first thing you do when you wake up/before you go to bed" "set an alarm".  I've heard it all.  But let me tell ya - in all honesty - if the pills aren't already in my hand when the alarm goes off - I'll forget what the alarm is for!

If only I could remember then maybe I wouldn't:

• be 55 pounds over weight
• be so GD depressed
• sleep all day
• hate life & everything about it
• be treated like I have the black plague
• I'd like to elaborate on this one for a moment and just vent about why I feel this way: 
• My sister, BIL, brother, SIL, and 3 friends all took a vacation together - I found out about it on her blog.
• My father didn't return my calls until my sister told him to
• People that are supposedly my friends all go out together on the weekends - I find out about it on their facebook.
• My husband would rather spend the day chatting with people on his facebook than have a conversation with me.
• No one called me for my MJ's 1st birthday

Yes, depression hurts.  It hurts everyone you come in contact with.  As you can tell by my childrens posts to their own blogs.  I swear if someone were to read the last post my son did all my children would surely get taken away.  Of course things aren't as bad as the kids make it seem, but obviously they are hurting too. 
I am so tired of being sick.  Even as I say that I feel horrible for complaining about it when my own father is getting ready to head to Seattle for cancer treatment for his 2nd bout with NHL.  What do I really have to complain about?  (yeah, my father gave me a little "talking to" today about not complaining.  "It does no good." 
No wonder I'm overweight, I eat may too many heaping servings of guilt!

I had a purpose when I started writing this post, and, no, it wasn't just to make my family feel sorry for me (they don't read it anyways).  I guess I'll just quit & write something a little less negative next time.

Probably not.

Moody Blues

No, not the band, just 2 words to describe how I've been feeling lately.

Moody
I guess anyone that knows me would say that I am always a little moody,but it's been really bad lately.  I don't really want to talk to anyone for fear of biting their heads off.  and then there are the blues... I don't want totalk to anyone for fear of them biting my head off, or being disappointed in me, or unhappy with me in any way.
In my head, I am blaming all this on one person.  Fair? Probably not.  In my defense though - if this person would just stop being a jackhole all the time I might be a little nicer to them in return and I might not be so depressed & worrying about what I have done to make them angry & how to avoid it next time.
I'm sure this person may feel the same way about me right now, but I'm not ready to give in yet.

I haven't wanted to do much of anything excpt sleep and eat.  and I have gained weight because of it.  so, that makes me super happy NOT!  I am tired of being fat & dumpy & old!  not that I'd ever want to be 21 again or anything, but I didn't think I'd feel this old this fast!

I just want to be happy again.
what road do I take to get there? 
can I call a cab?
are there going to be road blocks, construction, toll bridges?

Days

As the days drift together I no longer know if it is Tuesday or Saturday
I no longer know if it is 5 am or 12 noon
I don't know when the last time I showered or ate was

I hear that this is "normal"
It's not "normal" for me

As the days drift together I no longer remember
I don't remember why I am here
Why you are there
I don't remember

I want to throw something at the wall
All I am holding is a life so precious and small
she screams, she cries, makes me want to die
I hold her close, then put her down
I don't remember why.

As the days drift by
So do all the people
I watch out my window
Then go lie down again, alone

As the days drift together I no longer remember
why I thought I'd be okay
On my own again

Pink pills, oh you happy pink pills
when was the last time I took you?
yesterday, last week, an hour ago?
when can I take another one?
When will the "give a fuck" kick in?

As the days drift together I no longer remember if its Tuesday or Saturday
I no longer care.